Call me paranoid but sometimes I feel like the world is conspiring against me, just waiting to implode at the least inconvenient moment. Ever feel the same? Here's my list of the top parenting paranoia...
- Mr Tumble is plotting world domination. The fact his game on the Cbeebies Ap is IMPOSSIBLE to exit is the only evidence you need.
- CBeebies Bed Time Hour gets longer every night. You swear.
- Tweet: Everyone knows your stern voice is a fraud
- While you're wrestling a child into the car seat - that old biddy in the neighbouring spot is calling the NSPCC
- No you're not imagining it - that cuddly toy is looking at you funny when you try to be serious
- Supermarkets have been specifically designed to make it impossible to avoid the bakery, biscuits and sweets aisles
- Everyone knows your kids have fish fingers and beans for tea 4 times a week
- Cheerios are indestructible; they're the cockroaches of the cereal world - just waiting for an apocalypse to re-populate the planet.
|Cheerios: the cockroaches of the cereal world|
- Sleeping children aren't really sleeping. They're lying with their eyes closed waiting for you to get comfy in front of Homeland so they can lose their dummy/ fall out of bed/ have a bad dream
- Speaking of dummies - you're convinced they grow legs and hatch escape plots. How else can you explain how they AWOL every two seconds?
- On a good night, you're convinced the monitor isn't working
- After a bad night, the kids can smell your tiredness. And it triggers infant insomnia.
- The neighbours have the council on speed dial and are reporting you for noise pollution. AGAIN.
- Silence. There's something very sinister about it.
- Your baby's learning-to-walk bruises are bigger and brighter than everyone else's
- The kids wait till your partner is away to get sick.
- A rash of any form is the stuff of A&E. You don't care what the G.P says.
- Tweet: Did you leave the hair straighteners on? 99% no, but that 1% of doubt makes it worth turning the car around, thus proving your paranoia and pissing off all passengers concerned.
Happy obsessing all!